Directions: Here is your script for our entire relationship. Circle your answer in the underlined groups where appropriate. Write-ins are also acceptable. Turn in to Laura. Allow two years for processing.
Hi, it’s me! A variation of every guy you’ve ever dated ever!
My name is (insert Anglo-Saxon derivative here) but all my friends from college call me Tank/Ox/Sex Panther because this one time I drank seven bottles of Boone’s Farm in a row and totally threw up on an Oriental rug/my date at the fraternity formal/an urn filled with my dead grandmother’s ashes. That was my only/first/latest arrest. It was totally hilarious!
I’m pretty emotionally scarred because my dad/ex was a total asshole, so I’ll probably be transferring my pent-up misery onto you. Yeah, that’s going to suck. Oh, and when we drive in the car, I’ll hear a song that reminds me of him/her and instead of turning the channel like a normal human being, I’ll turn it up real loud and start singing it to the windshield while you sit in the passenger’s seat fuming/picking awkwardly at your cuticles/texting your friend to come get you the nanosecond we park at the shitty chain restaurant I’m inevitably taking you to. If we do manage to make it out to dinner, I’ll talk incessantly about work, which is totally lame. I went to school for business/criminal justice/computer networking but I ended up working for the state. Yeah. It’s shitty because I really want to teach in Uganda/join a unit of the special forces that in no way am I qualified for/move across the country for some management trainee job in a random media-related field that pays a fuckton of money that may or may not exist.
I really want to find a nice girl, you know? Yeah, not nice as much as hot. Blonde chicks are so great. My ex was blonde. Man, she was smokin’. Oh, you have brunette hair? Well, that’s okay, because you have huge boobs and that’s definitely a plus for you! I’ll take the time to randomly talk about them throughout our date and see if I can throw in a slyly-placed inquiry about how big they are. I’m sure you’ll never notice because you’re too busy being awed by the fact that I just bought a 2003 Nissan Altima/have a new Labrador puppy I named after my childhood sports idol/am wearing a suede blazer.
Well, here we are, back at your place. I’ll just sit on your couch and talk about how much I like your apartment. How much are paying for it a month? You decorate great. You should definitely come over and help me pick out some bathroom fixtures. Even though I shouldn’t be decorating since I’m definitely going to move next summer to Uganda/away from my asshole roommate/in with my mom, but just until I save up to move across country, you know? Wow, you have a lot of books. That’s cool. I don’t really read, unless it’s the back of a cereal box/Playboy/Maxim while taking a dump. But I do own every video game produced since 1997, so that’s pretty cool, right? Oh, hey, is this your bedroom? Cozy. I like that lamp. Oh, hey, a bed. Mind if I sit down?
Well, now that I’ve given you the most disheartening sex of your life, I’m going to invite myself to stay over, even though you’d rather wash off all your makeup and read a back issue of Newsweek than have me sweating next to you all night. Don’t worry, I’m definitely a cuddler. Hey, it’s 4 a.m. You know what that means – poke, poke, poke. It’s time for me to roll on top of you and grunt a little. Yep. Well, my work here is done. I’m going back to sleep, okay, babe? You just lay there with your eyes open wide, wondering how your life got to this point. Sorry I’m such a snorer.
Morning! Man, you look tired. I know you’re too polite to refuse to get breakfast with me, so let’s go to the diner. I’ll regale you with more tales of my collegiate days/ex-girlfriends who’ve burned me/how much weight I’ve gained since I turned 27. It’s at this point I’m going to bust out that I voted libertarian, because fuck taxes, you know? Hey, I like your flower. Do you always wear that? Huh. That’s kinda weird.
I don’t know how I convinced you to go out with me again, but I’m going to belch at dinner and then tell you that I think it’s a good idea if we both date around, you know? We’re young. No need to settle down, babe. We can reevaluate our relationship as soon as I figure out I have no other options but to sleep with you.
Well, it’s been about three weeks, which is way past our expiration date, so even though you haven’t been calling me for two weeks now, I’m going to insist we sit down and talk about the status of our nonexistent relationship, so I can drop the atomic bomb that I’m just not interested in a relationship with you at this time because I’m too emotionally wrecked to get involved with someone right now/I’ve got too much going on at work, you know?/I’ve been boning another chick for a good seven weeks and think she may be down for anal if I make her my girlfriend. You’re a wonderful, special woman with so much to give and I just know you’ll find someone great and I’ll keep speaking in generics because I can’t see that your eyes are glazing over and you’ve got a date to play tennis in twenty minutes and you really have to pee and you’re such a great girl and I know I’m really missing out. Well, better go call my new girlfriend. She gets real angry if I don’t talk to her on the half-hour. Oh, hey, did I mention she’s your neighbor? Yeah. Well, see you around the block!
Whoa, it’s two months later and here we are, bumping into each other in line at the grocery store. Yeah, I’m just buying Doritos and condoms. You look great! Maybe we could catch up sometime. And by sometime, I mean tonight when I drunk-dial you to tell you that my girlfriend and I broke up. Yeah, she was a real bitch. Hey, do you want me to come over? Just to cuddle. Seriously. Just to cuddle. What do you mean, Just go jack off? Man, I thought you were cooler than that. But it’s your loss because I have Doritos and all you had in your cart was yogurt and toothpaste.
Man, chicks are so fucking crazy.
