I enjoyed hanging out with your mom more than you. Jesus could that woman brew a mean pot of tea. We still e-mail sometimes.
I still wear your shirt to bed sometimes because it’s soft and reminds me of warm Sundays.
You smelled down there about 97% of the time. I wouldn’t brag about being uncircumcised so much.
The moment I met your family, I knew I would never marry you.
I still think of you whenever I see geese flying overhead.
I don’t care what people say about having no regrets, when I see you, I cringe at the thought of you having seen me naked. Why, why, why.
When someone asks me what the nicest compliment I ever received was, I tell them it was when you told me, “You’re magnetic.”
No, you weren’t polished enough for me.
Yes, I was faking it.
I had an entire diary dedicated to what an asshole you are. I saved it to remind myself what a ruinous relationship looks like. Good God, I hope you never procreate.
Your dog was obnoxious.
I can’t listen to “Your Body is a Wonderland” without giggling now. Thank you for making it so special.
We were through a year before it ended. I’m so sorry I let it drag on. You deserved better than that. I hope you’re getting it.
I liked you infinitely better before I actually got to know you.
My mother still asks about what you’re doing these days.
Of course I farted. You didn’t honestly think it was because we were driving past swamp water, did you?
I loved telling people what your job was. I hated losing you to your job.
I fell for you the moment I saw you were reading Vonnegut. There’s nothing like a man with taste.
I know you exaggerated or even outright fabricated most of the stories you told me about yourself. Why couldn’t you see the times you impressed me most were the times you didn’t even try.
You’re the only guy I’ve ever let see me without make-up. It was horrifying. Thank you for being so nice.
You’re not as sly as you might think. Even my mother assumed you were seeing someone else. I didn’t care because, well, I was, too.
I’ve never seen anyone wear a suit quite as well as you.
My best friend egged your car in high school.
I didn’t break up with you because I had too much going on to focus on a relationship, I broke up with you because you were a cheap bastard.
The truest, most tender moment of my life is when you reached over in the car and touched one of my curls.
I still tell people that story about the air mattress.
No matter how we left it, I wasn’t lying when I said I would think of you fondly for the rest of my days.
