Birthday Mirthday: Slumming 25.

{The Players.}

Face of a schoolgirl, mouth of a lumberjack.

Laura – Le birthday bitch. Fetching belted dress. Properly bosomed. Known for her ability to drop the word “felch” in everyday conversation.

Even her hands are gay.

Molly –  The token wide-eyed lesbian who crushes on Robert Pattinson and beef jerky. Often wears a bandanna. She smells like new books and ranch dressing.

Look at her bein' all Portugese.

Soraia – The Portuguese darling with a heart of gold. Has qualified stories to Laura and Ricky as, “I can tell you this because you both have big asses.”

She once threatened to shit in a man's mouth.

Ricky – The surliest of the bunch. The Judge. Has been known to dance wide at parties. Coined the phrase “quick fuck and some doughnuts.”

{Scene 1.}

Check that hat.

The ladies assemble in Ricky’s bedroom. The room is painted wasabi green; a well-read Classification of Pyschological Disorders rests on the nightside table. Molly is spinning variences of Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know” on Garage Band. Ricky intervenes before she can get to ‘Grunge Metal’ mode.

Ricky: Alright, time for birthday gifts!

Molly hands Laura a bag neatly stuffed with tissue paper, which Laura opens. She pulls out a book entitled “Passive Aggressive Notes.”

Molly: It’s from that website. It’s really funny.

Ricky: Don’t you read any books with words, Molly?

Laura continues to dig in the bag and pulls out what appears to be a tea caddy, hand-painted by the ladies.

Laura: A tea caddy! For my Lady Gray!

Soraia: Look again.

Beauty meets practicality.

Laura takes a closer look. It is actually a condom dispenser. On either of the four sides it reads: Flirt, Fellate, Fornicate, Felch. Presumably in that order.

Three Stages of Being Given Personalized Condom Dispenser for Your Birthday:

Stage 1 (Fig. 1.) – Wondering if you have gotten a tea caddy.

Fig. 1.

Stage 2 (Fig. 2.) – Realizing you were given a personalized condom dispenser.

Fig. 2.

Stage 3 (Fig. 3.) – Satisfaction.

Fig. 3.

{Scene 2.}

The Taphouse, the hideout for Ghent hipsters who want to drink $10 beer and talk about obscure folk rock.

Here is what you need to know about our trip to the Taphouse.

Before:

The jokes were funny at this point.

After:

The jokes were funnier at this point.

And we’re through here.

{Scene 3.}

Pop Quiz: Who has to pee?

Molly:Do you guys mind if I pop a squat over here in the bushes?

Ricky: Molly, we are literally 30 feet from the restaurant. And there are seven hobos watching you.

Seven hobos are sitting in the center of the park. One of them waves.

Molly: Oh. Yeah, I guess.

Ricky (as an aside): I swear to God, sometimes I think she does this just to fuck with me.

When they reach the restaurant, Ricky and Soraia grab a table while Molly and Laura walk by the bar to the bathroom. A group of drunken men turn around and start the mating calls, presumably sensing that one of them has just been given a custom condom caddy.

Drunk guy: Hellooooo, ladies.

Molly: Did he…?

Laura: Just keep walking, Molly.

Molly: I think this is why I’m gay.

Laura: I envy your good judgment.

The waiter, Jeffery, comes over. He is tall and pale and speaks with a deep Southern accent and calls all of the ladies ‘sweetie.’ They develop an instant rapport with him when he comes back over and they are googling vaginas on Ricky’s phone.

Ricky: (examining her phone as Jeffery comes up) Whose clitoris is that big?

Jeffery stands silent.

Laura: Jeffery. Would you turn down a vagina if it was real ugly? Like, if it had big lips?

Jeffery: (Very matter-of-factly.) Nah. Sometimes you go down there and it just looks like roast beef but you gotta just man up and do it. You just gotta get it done.

Ricky: Have you ever seen a walnut-sized clitoris?

Jeffery: You mean a man in a boat?

Ricky: YES. Yes, that’s what I mean.

The foursome leaves illustrative representations of their vaginas for Jeffery as well as hefty tip so that he can invest in post-vaginal-sketch therapy.

We Google vaginas on occasion.

{Scene 4.}

Hoss’s Biker Bar. Upon entering, a bar full of bikers whip around to stare at the foursome and attempt to comprehend why they are witnessing four females who are not dressed in leather fringe walk into the room.

Biker: (calling over) Y’all lookin’ for the martini bar?

We skipped the martinis.

The ladies are immediately accosted by a stumpy biker who introduces himself as Paul. The ladies continue the vaginal conversation and Paul interjects.

Paul: Y’all want to see a pussy? I got a pussy for ya’. My friend just sent me this fucker.

Paul takes out his phone and shows the ladies a picture of a vagina that is thin, stretchy, horrifying – a bat wing.

The Bat Wing:

Only this is a vagina.

There are four typical reactions to The Bat Wing, exhibited in this order (left to right):

Illness. Horror. Disbelief. Acceptance.

Illness. Horror.

Disbelief. Acceptance.

{Scene 5.}

He was less sweaty than he appears. Sort of.

The ladies end up at Cruzers, the karaoke bar in West Ghent. A rendition of Whitney’s “How Will I Know” is sung into the night while a shirtless, tattoed man performs a fearsome tribal dance.

As he takes Laura in his sweaty embrace someone assures her that it’s just another part of her birthday magic.

Hipster Dude: It’s good to have him sweat on you. You’ll have good luck for the rest of the year.

In the morning Laura wakes up with a raging hangover that lasts for three days. For the life of her she can’t comprehend as to why.

Check it.

{Finis.}